Loyalty vs. Opportunity

So about a month ago my boss told me I should probably start looking for other jobs because the only grant funding we had left was due to expire this coming Sunday. I went home and sent out a flurry of graceful applications to as many jobs as I could find posted in the area. Since then the lab has been rescued by an ARRA-funded challenge grant. Now, though, I'm beginning to hear back from the positions I applied to.

The new grant in my current lab presents me with new opportunities to expand upon techniques I've already learned and finally generate some real data. But at the same time, these other positions potentially represent very real opportunities to sink my teeth into an entirely new system and expand my skill set. My current position is applied immunology/microbiology, the potential positions are more basic immunology.

I find myself caught between loyalty to my current boss--who has taught me quite a lot but at the same time also left me alone in the lab and expected me to move mountains with chopsticks (and no glue to make a bigger lever)--and feeling that moving into another lab with another PI and even broader immunological focus would make my application to graduate school this fall stronger. However, this premise itself could be false. I know that in looking for a job, it's a major black mark to have drifted among several labs for short periods of times; but is the same true for graduate schools? I've spent 2 years in the current lab, if you combine the time I have spent here as an undergraduate student, temp, and staff. Would the grad school admission committee see my moving into another lab shortly before applying as a negative quality?

I'm tempted to send out the information requested and attend any interviews I am offered. If they wish to follow up my references, of which my boss is one, I will let her know that she may be getting some calls. Yet I worry that doing so will endanger a good recommendation letter from her.

Therefore I find myself at somewhat of an impasse.

UPDATE: I went ahead and sent out the requested information and affirmed my interest in the position. It's not even an interview yet, so maybe I'm making chromosomes out of oligomers. But still, it's a research assistantship instead of tech position, so I feel it is wisest to pursue it and see what may come of it.

Career

Today is one of those days where I am wondering why I am trying to be a scientist at all.

I see my PI struggling to pull down enough funding to keep the lab going. I see other PIs in the same boat, always running themselves ragged and noses worn to bloody stumps by the grindstone. I see jaded graduate students swollen with regret and post-docs seething with frustration. Is this what I want for my future?

Once upon a time I had pinned my dreams for the future on this. Now I look back at the myself of then and facepalm violently.

But still, what's to say that in 15 years with lots of experience and a Ph.D. I won't look back at the myself of now and vomit out my ileum in jaded disgust over my possible present naivete? Even now I kinda sorta feel that I should have gone into computer science because it also offers intellectual thrills but without the 20ft. deep mud bog soccer game of scrambling for grant funding. I thought that I was going into a job that'd be thankfully cubicle-free and secure in spite of my plans to go ahead and get into grad school fairly quickly. Although I don't have a cubile, I do have a bench and a desk, so there's not much difference. And security depends entirely upon funding, which is nowhere near as secure as I once believed. I mean, I can certainly get my intellectual kicks from science and I can definitely be happy afloat in a sea of carbonated data and statistics, but I can't eat ideas (I imagine that great sparkly ideas would taste like cookies and terrible bad ideas would taste like rancid butane). The payoff in an academic career is so far away, and the crap to wade through to get there so deep, that I really have to wonder whether it's even worth it in the first place. Yeah, sure, SCIENCE!, but...years and years and years and years and years and years of science, science, and nothing else. I have been happy to create and conduct science, but will science consistently continue to be a source of happiness for me throughout the rest of my life?

Maybe I'd be less existentially gloomy if I'd remembered that whole lunch thing today...

Partly at least I know why I'm doubting my plans thus far. I've invested my time in other difficult things before with no real substantial happiness payoff. Logically, I know that science is not a cello, but still: the point stands. I know that I could put my head down and ball up my fists and plow through everything in my way (sisu!), but right now I'm wondering what the risks of missing almost everything beautiful and joyous along the way are. I know that life aint' all butterfly turds and puppy chuckles; I know that being successful at anything requires major investment of self, time, and energy. I want to sink my teeth into science and tear it a new hole it never knew it needed so badly, yet sometimes I doubt that I'll ever be anything more than just mediocre.

Maybe it's a screwed up way of looking at things, but I'd rather set out to do something and fail outright than to be mediocre in that goal, because then I wouldn't be learning anything...

I'll probably blather on more about this later. For now I should go seek food and find a program to remind me to eat regularly instead of going without food for 10-12 hours at a time (today only for about 8 hours, but 10-12+ isn't unusual for me).