Intuitive Medicine (Toaster Burns Bullshit #2)

[Please note that any and all italics or boldface added to quoted text are my additions.]

What the fuck is with new-age looney motherfuckers and their chakra bullshit? Chakras this, chakras that, align your chakras, cleanse your chakras...on and on and on until you want to stab them in the eye with the nearest stick of incense. Unfortunately, chakras are no longer solely the domain of spiritualism or granola crunchers. No, if the Huffington Post is to be believed, then chakras are apparently moving into the mainstream medical establishment under the flimsy disguise of "intuitive medical scanning".

So what is intuitive scanning? Let's allow Huffington Post to explain:

Intuitive body scanning is a technique that can be used to determine medical or health blockages in people and animals. Medical intuitives, professionals who seek to complement traditional medical procedures with this technique, locate body parts that are blocked or in turmoil in order to expedite the healing process...Just as an X-ray machine scans a body in order to gain specific medical details, an intuitive scan works to provide an energetic portrait of the client. The premise is that the physical body has an energy blueprint and so the intuitive scan will look for energy blockages and areas of stress. Good health is, in general, considered to be clear flows of energy between all the chakras and easy, free functioning of all organs and body systems. Because this is an intuitive technique, scans can be done in person or from a distance with equal accuracy.

See a pattern between the bolded text?

Look closely. What do all of the bolded terms have in common?

They're MAGIC! Unquantifiable, unfalsifiable, ephemeral, mystical, MAGIC!!!^eleventy

And intuitive medical scanning can even be done from a distance! Holy fuck it must be real if it's that magic! Let's be clear here: the Internet works over long distances. So do rockets. However, spooky energies from the human mind do not exert influence over either immediate or distant states of being, energies, events, or other qualia.

But Huffington Post isn't content to just tell us about the new phenomenon of intuitive medical scanning. No, being the paragon of responsible medical reporting that they are, they also tell us, average Joes and Janes, how to do it at home! Whoopee!

So how does one do an intuitive medical scan?

...perform a scan using inner vision...This technique can be highly accurate, but a bit uncomfortable for anyone who is highly empathic, which is the ability to feel what others are feeling and sensing.

My empathic inner vision is telling me that my stomach chakra wants black olives and cheese, or perhaps a cinnamon raisin bagel with peanut butter. Or a burrito. Maybe my stomach chakra is confused?

Look for knots, dark spots, tension, pain or any area that seems to stand out to you during the scan. Note the spot and then go back and zero in for more detail if you are able. At this point, people who have some medical training can have an advantage because they can sometimes more accurately interpret what organ or system is blocked.

OK, so now it's apparent that my gall bladder is burgeoning with bile salts and stomach acids, that poblano barbecue sauce from last night is chilling in my duodenum, and I'm detecting some major ghrelin production in my stomach lining and...holy fuck it's binding to GHS-R on my arcuate nucleus in my motherfucking hypothalamus!!! Oh, oh, the pain! This must be empathic discomfort...

How do we get rid of this discomfort? Huffington Post is good enough to interview 2 practicioners of intuitive medical scanning for some inside tips and tricks.

My favorite is the Helmet technique. You get a name, city, age, and place a "helmet" of their head on your own. It is a quickie way inside their body. From there, I scan. I can see it in light contrast. I can feel the pain inside me, or the anxiety, or whatever.

I can very quickly (I hate feeling their stuff in me) clear it with breath induced energy spurts. When I feel the release, I know they do. I then remove the helmet, give it back to their body, and physically clear the space around me..especially my head...to regain my Self.

Ah, spurts of energy! Of course! Wait...that sounds rather gross and come to think of it that entire sentence is laden with far too much inneundo for me to stomach (and what the fuck is up with this Helmet shit?). Even more nauseating, however, is that this practicioner can't even keep her mysticism straight:

I will also use a technique where I hold a major chakra, usually foot, to connect (either in person or from a distance) and send a flow of energy from my hands.

Here's a chart of the traditional Indian chakras:


Nothing in the foot.

Of course, logically, this means that they're such a good medical intuitive that they have discovered/invented an entirely new chakra! Holy crapdiddles, she must be great at this.

There is much more, much, much, much more in the original article if you care to slog through it. However, I think I just ran out of sarcasm. To give credit where it is due, however, the author of this piece did include a disclaimer:

Of course, none of this is meant to substitute for traditional medical professional consultations and advice.

Thank you for that much, author. I know that you couldn't help pen such bullshit, for this kind of crazy can only write itself.

Dishonesty In Science Media (Toaster Burns Bullshit #1)

Sometimes one reads things so egregious that they can't help but let out a snarl under their breath at the dishonest pomposity of it. Today I was combing the Huffington Post, hoping, perhaps naively, that there'd be some good science coverage there. Instead, I found this. I did a double take, reading it twice to see if this dude really thought we were stupid enough to buy into his bull. Then I saw that he was in earnest, and I literally roared at the screen. Luckily I am alone in the lab today, or else my lab mates might think me even more daft.

So I turned off the Dr. Dre and turned on Tricky thinking that perhaps it wouldn't seem so stupid after I'd calmed down a bit. I spend 2h splattering data here and there trying to distract myself, but, no, I am still pissed off at this bullshit.

So here is #1 in what is probably going to become a dihearteningly long series: Toaster Burns Bullshit. Point by point:

(Context: It should be noted that Fred Hahn is pouting, spouting, and posturing here after appearing on the Dr. Oz show.)

What was not discussed, to my great chagrin, was the issue of diet and obesity.

This issue is of great concern to me, having two daughters in public school where the cafeterias are obesity central.

Here we see Fred Hahn trying to scare up some parental street cred. Teh Stupid comes later, so bear with, please.

I was quite shocked that Dr. Oz failed to ask me a single question on the issue. Either he didn't read my book or found what I had to say on the issue too diametrically opposed to his views. But whatever the case may be, he ignored the issue. A shame, because he has the power to sway millions of Americans as to how they should eat for optimal health.

Here's the pouting.

If your child is eating real food, you are on the right track. Real is defined by foods that once either walked, crawled, swam, flew or grew.

Logically, this includes bugs. "Real food" does not include wax fruits, plastic pancakes, or Play-doh. Nor your Doritos. So if you're not banning your children from everything that came in a plastic bag or a can or made your life a little bit easier in any way whatsoever, then YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!!!11!! And therefore you're obviously a nasty, horrible person who doesn't love your kids as much as Fred Hahn loves his.

If your child is eating food that was manufactured, you are on the wrong track.

See? You're a failure. Shame on you!!!

The mainstay of your child's diet should be fat and protein. Next in line -- vegetables and some fruit.

This is the opening shot of Teh Stupid.

Refrain from grain in all its forms. In the end, grain is nothing more than sugar, and sugar is caustic to the system. Perhaps this is why Dr. Oz did not bring up the issue. He would have had to debate me on this since he supports eating grains and is essentially anti-low carb. Low carb diets have been shown over and over again to be healthful as well as the most potent formula to combat obesity and diabetes.

And here's the rest of the can.

This, right here, is what pissed me off right thoroughly. This is dishonest, and this is bullshit.

Remember:

C₆H₁₂O_{6 (aq)} + 6O_{2 (g)} → 6CO_{2 (g)} + 6H₂O _(l) ΔG = -2880 kJ per mole of C₆H₁₂O₆

_{This is kind of important. You know, it's just the chemical reaction that drives ATP synthesis and allows metazoan cells to live. But, ZOMG!, it starts with SUGAR! And SUGAR is CAUSTIC to "THE SYSTEM"! Therefores, the glycolysis that drives cellular respiration must also be CAUSTIC and that means it's EVIL and is singlehandedly responsible for the obesity epidemic in the U.S.A.! Damn you, thou sinister hexokinase! How could you ever do this to us, o' glyceraldehyde-3-phosphate dehydrogenase!? ZOMG ZOMG ZOMG! Teh Evil Grains!}

_{Figure A: Bread is evil, you just don't know it.}

_{Yes, fats can be oxidized and made into sugar to be used in cellular respiration for energy, but to recommend that children eat a diet primarily made up of fats and proteins is irresponsible and dangerous. Mr. Hahn is making a broad prescription here when a much more nuanced dietary solution is called for (maybe you get that if you buy his book). Letting a child eat lard and Slim Jims fufills his requirements (and both lard and Slim Jims once walked about), but this isn't going to help them at all, and in fact will make them worse off in the long run (}if nothing else, _{due to the nitrosamines in the Slim Jims). Low carb diets work for some obese adults, but that does not make them a panacea, especially not for children who are naturally going to need a diverse array of nutritious foods to develop normally. It is one thing to recommend not allowing kids to eat candy and soda, but it is quite another to tell parents, who may be just as poorly informed as Fred Hahn himself, that the whole wheat bread of their childrens' peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich is making them fat (more likely to be the minivan and X-box than anything else, really).}

_{FURTHERMORE, since he has demonized natural starches as being nothing more than evil sugar, I find it puzzling that he has not also condemned meats due to their high glycogen content. What's up with this? Just as starch in grains is a polymer of glucose, so too is glycogen, just with a different tertiary structure. Seriously, if you're going to be stupid, please at least be consistent.}

It's a tad sad when an expert as famous as he is side-steps science in favor of a personal agenda. This is not to say Dr. Oz is purposefully keeping the truth from the public. It is to say, however, that he has an immense responsibility to learn all there is to know on the subject if he is going to place himself in the public eye and wield such enormous influence.

And here's the egotistical posturing, which Mr. Hahn manages to pull off with all the grace and subtlety of a 4-year-old brat. It is also dishonest for him to try to question Dr. Oz's credibility and authority when he didn't cite a single research article, nor even a newspaper article.

It should also be noted that Fred Hahn is the CEO of Serious Strength* and has never heard the term "conflict of interest" before.

*Located in the Upper West Side and Waldorf-Astoria of New York City, New York. Perhaps the rather insular environment has fostered his ability to deceive those who buy his book, his clients, and maybe even himself. Here's a gem from the Serious Strength website FAQs: "The exercise scientists use a treadmill fatigue/oxygen uptake test to guesstimate a person's level of fitness."