Keywords

For the first time in a long time, I looked at the Google Keywords that are leading people to this site. I was very amused. In fact, I'm still amused, and also bewildered. Since this is a happy state of being, I thought it might be polite of me to share it with you.

fire breathing chicken
mass haul optimization algorithm
belgian blues
20 flirty questions for scientists
a scientist and makeup blog
adiponectin the scientist
bass player scientist
bigger cecum
can bacteria grow on oreos
cartoon word
do llamas have breasts?
ear toasters
friends flirting bad side
fucking awesome toasters
guild of mad scientists
hats that a scientist would wear
hungry leptin
igf-1 before after pics
in vitro system to create apoptotic cells
invader zim gir mens sneakers
luciferin problem
mad to breast
moshing as a woman
picture of a mad scientist
pipette tips in nostril funny
read the fucking manual cartoon
silk muscle
tesla jr
there's a llama
vampire ass
was i flirting
weakness of a men to a woman
zombies cooler than vampires
leptin ghrelin adiponectin resistin milk

Of all these terms, it's "there's a llama" that worries me the most. I picture someone nervously googling that term while an angry llama stares inside their bedroom window, chewing oh-so-patiently whilst waiting for the full moon to rise! Because that's what llamas do, right?

Also, I do not recommend ear toasters. Use muffins instead; they are thermally dense and edible!

Waffle, Groffle, Air Guitar!

When our experiment isn't working quite right or our data is running right at a p-value of 0.05001, we get frustrated and angry. This is only natural, because we are human scientists and that's how we roll. The data being bastardy isn't always your fault, sometimes it's the fault of your tools, your undergraduate minions, or even the organisms/molecules in question. We've all been there. Some have been there for a long time and have reached the breaking point of despair where, in their deepest heart of hearts they want nothing more than to dump all their notes in a large pile and light it all on fire whilst dancing about it, singing happily in tongues.

But what can we mere mortals do to break out of this rut?

Some prefer to rail at the PCR Gods and Cloning Faeries. Some prefer to vandalize their advisor's personal property. Some prefer to stick everything in the freezer and leave it until later when they maybe feel like trying again. But none of these are guaranteed. In fact, the only sure-fire way to give your experiments that little extra puff of wonder, whimsy, and badassness that they need to succeed is to INVOKE THE ELDER SCIENTISTS' SPIRITS*.

How does one do such a thing?

Why, with a dance, of course!

Figure A: How to summon the Elder Scientists' Spirits.

There are 3 simple steps to this dance, as illustrated clearly above:

1) Waffle.
2) Groffle.
3) Air Guitar.

In the Waffle step you throw your jazz hands into the air, lift one leg, and then hop from one foot to the other whilst continuing jazzy hands. In the Groffle step you do a modified version of The Sprinkler, but you have to be on the verge of tearing out your hair with your left hand and very violently swing your right arm about while moving the right leg up and down to make sure it's not too easy to balance. And finally, in the Air Guitar step the spirits start to gather (see gathering gloom in illustration above) as you wail away at your imaginary axe. It helps to make guitar sounds and run around on top of your bench the stage, gyrating furiously and windmilling. In case you need help envisioning, planning, and/or executing the last step, Toaster's got your back with some inspiration:





I hope this helps you in your Quest For Science.

*h/t Arikia Millikan's wit.

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This post brought to you by the generosity of the generous people who have donated to the Silence Is the Enemy fund for Doctors Without Borders.

Music: Punk

Without music there's not much reason to wake up in the morning.

Lately I've been listening to a lot of punk music. I mean, I've pretty much always liked punk music, but lately it's just been in really heavy rotation through my media players (as opposed to hip-hop, electronica, drum and bass, avant-garde, classical, or heavy metal). I don't know why, and I don't think it matters why. It's been stuff like The Dead Kennedys, The Damned, The Sex Pistols, Gogol Bordello (the movie above makes me want to grow a moustache), Bikini Kill, The Violent Femmes, The Clash, etc..

I once played bass in a metal band.

I have played bass in jazz band.

I have played bass/cello in an avant-garde industrial jazz outfit.

And I have played cello in several chamber music ensembles.

But I have yet to play in a punk band, and lately I REALLY WANT TO play punk music! I don't know why, but it's something about how fast and loud and brash the music is that draws me to it. And it's not just because it'd give me a reason to pull my Doc Martens and zipper pants back out. It's been a while since I've participated in any collaborative music, and I guess I miss it. I hate shopping for clothing and buying it because it usually never fits, but every rocker, even punks, need a stage ensemble. This'd be mine: