27 April, 2009

The War Intensifies

It would appear that I have made a grave mistake in underestimating the absolute sinister capacity of Hermitage. Either she is far more wicked than my initial intelligence reports led me to estimate, or I have divulged too many of my personal weaknesses on this blog and she has unscrupulously taken advantage of them.

In either event, what she has done is so...so...fundamentally despicable that I feel a bitter moral vomit rising, although that could just be my wounded ego. For what it's worth, even if it was heinous of her, I have no choice to admire her deft cunning.

What has Hermitage done?

She CAPTURED me! Like a motherfucking flag!

I fully admit that her evil brilliance coincided with unusual foolishness on my part, but in my defense it should be noted that one can't help their fundamental constitution. Cookies are to me like mashing is to potatoes, like bacon is to beans, like LB broth is to E. coli K12. Hermitage knew this, and she took advantage of this. I can't blame her.

You see, she made a cookie and put it in my daily pathways on a PEDESTAL! A pedestal! As a cookie connoisseur, I can't very well pass such a thing up. I fell right into her trap as she lay in hiding, waiting with a baseball bat. She waited until I was distracted by the cookie, then snuck up and BLAMMO! with the baseball bat on my oversized noggin (she could hardly have missed if she'd tried to).

But that's not the worse of it. I didn't even get the cookie before being knocked out because she GLUED IT DOWN!

I woke up strapped into a chair with a headache and a haircut (srsly, WTF, Hermie?) in an OPEN GRAVE.

But it wasn't just an open grave, it was really a giant 2% agarose gel. And she was stomping around in the background, I could just make her out through the agarose walls. She backed a tumbler truck up to the well and promptly flooded it with 1X TAE. She was going to electrophorese me, but being a compassonate megalomaniac, she granted me one last request*.

Naturally, I asked for a cookie.

She had no choice but to oblige.

So I sneaky-like crumbled the cookie up and spit it into the TAE buffer. This saved my life because when she flipped the switch the salt concentrations of the buffer were so screwed up that nothing happened. You see, I know from what Hermitage has revealed on her blog that she is a terrible cook and limited to Ramen and as such there was a 50% chance that she'd mix up the sugar and the salt. Luckily for me, she did. Also luckily for me, nylon rope frays in TAE buffer and I was able to escape.

Revenge will be sweet. Oh, so sweet indeed.

*Regardless of compassion, she was required to as set forth in Section 7.29 of The Nerd Accords.

1 comment:

Hermitage said...

Hey hey now, girlfriend. I am a terrible baker . I am a fucking excellent cook. And you shall not escape my clutches next time!!! I'll get you! And your cookie too!!