Toaster Ventures Outside

So Toaster summoned up the courage to leave the comfy Internet and Hyrule* last night to venture out into the real world. I went to a local metal concert with a group of assorted scientists. The headlining band was fucking awesome, and I have nothing but deep respect for a bass player who rocks out on a home-made upright electric flying V and uses walking bass-lines and 4-finger syncopated picking in progressive instrumental metal: you are 1337. HOWEVER, the other bands' bass players lead me to a question that, as a Mad Scientist who also plays bass guitar, is important to me: why is the bass player in 95% of all rock bands the dorkiest person on stage? Is this some requirement that I was never told about? Because 1) I think I'm far too pretty handsome to be that awkward when I'm having fun and 2) I couldn't even look that dorky if I tried.

Maybe I'd be less critical if the music your band had played had been more interesting, but really you weren't interesting enough to be an instrumental metal band, and ripping off of Chevelle, poorly, barely qualifies you as metal. Wearing a lounge shirt, driver's cap, and red pants was not helping your case. And seriously, did you polish your instruments before you got on stage!? Mr. Dorky Bass Player, your lead guitarist was playing the flame-top maple semi-hollow body Gibson Les Paul that every whiny bastard whinges for Christmas, the rhythm guitarist (was he even awake?) was playing a shiny new red Gibson SG**, and you yourself were playing a through-body high-model Ibanez. Which brings me to another point: you played an Ibanez, yet you didn't even slap bass once! WHAT THE FUCK!? That bass was made for that kind of playing, and you completely ignored it. And don't even get me started on your dubious choice of amplifiers.

And yeah, I saw you all get upset and sour when the lead band came on, turning away with feigned indifference trying to cover up your wounded egoes. Next to them you looked like slime mold on the ass of Aphrodite. Maybe I'm also upset at you for playing crappy music while they were doing their pre-show yoga. At least your set was short. For that much, I thank you.

*Spending an evening slashing away at Bulbins and Bokoblins usually seems simpler than interacting with people.
**Disclosure: I have a red Gibson SG sitting in my instrument rack, but mine is old and chipped. I traded my old Yamaha bass guitar for it from Pikkuveli. It can be heard in "Mad Scientist Personal Ad" here.