Actual Action Ranty Rant #1

As a Mad Scientist, the temptation to unleash my wrath upon those who annoy or piss me off is sometimes very great indeed. As such, I usually try to sleep on it when my spleen feels to need exploding, and if I'm still a handsome kettle of seething rage in the morning I figure it's worth letting fly (zeppelin!). I've even had 3 donuts and a burger and a half (unfortunately I didn't have the donuts when I had the burgers, so I couldn't use them as a bun. That would've been delicious!) to make absolutely sure I wasn't just cranky from low blood sugar or some such crap like that.

However, the thing that currently has me so pissed off is rather too public for actual action, so I'm going to have to let the following Ranty Rant suffice.

This rant regards the overpriced and overpretentious grocery store Whole Foods. I will begin by disclosing that I do go to Whole Foods to buy turkey sausages (Toaster doesn't eat cows because they never did anything to him, nor pork because it didn't deserve the ill fate of being so tasty; venison, however, is fair game) because they are the same price as Trader Joe's, and they have chorizo, which is delicious. I also buy bulk grains there. With that in hand, I am going to tint this window with a slight hue of hypocrisy.

As I was leaving Whole Foods with a paper bag loudly telling me how it's 100% recycled and that I should definitely recycle it as soon as I possibly could (green-washing, anyone?), I noticed that they were selling canvas grocery bags with the (paraphrased) words: "FEED THE CHILDREN OF THE WORLD!"

For real. Now, first note that I don't have a problem with the message emblazoned on the bag, because yes, the children of the world should be fed, and so should the adults and geezers. However, note secondly that I have a huge problem with this kind of fake socioenvironmentalist bullshit. Thirdly, I also have a problem with the kind of bougie asshat who buys that kind of shit and then prances around like the sun shining out their ass has given them an orgasmic wedgie*. They are a bunch of plinking facile douchebag noodley rotten overtan lardass colostomy bags.

Some bougie motherfucker who has never really been truly hungry** is going to go to Whole Foods, which specializes in petroleum-drenched, overpriced, overproduced food flown in from developing countries all over the world, pay a premium on their groceries so that they can feel better about the rest of their wastefulness, and then on their way out to their newer model SUV note that they shop there often enough to need a canvas bag. So they buy the one with the socially aware message that gives $2 to some humanitarian aid organization so that they can feel additionally special and like they're saving the world when in reality, if they'd walked their fat asses to Trader Joe's or Kroger they could have helped a hell of a lot more hungry children by donating the money they'd saved directly to the same organization.

This is fake concern at it's worst. These bougie asshats are the very same who patronize bullshit coffeehouses and walk around with their thumbs firmly lodged up their asses, listening to their iPods and looking down their nose at everyone around them (seriously, the next person who tries to talk to me with one or both of their earbuds still in their ears is going to have to extract said earbuds from his sinuses). I've listened to their shallow bullshit conversations in the past and I avoid overhearing them anymore because I inevitably feel a strong urge to kick them in the throats because all it is is a bunch of sophmoric swaddle about how each of them is hipper than the last ("OMG [wait, remember you're too hip for that, but play it cool like you're being ironic], check out these new shoes [puff on cloves cigarette], they cost, like, $100 [it's OK, daddy gave me a credit card] but they were fair trade [adjust boutique vintage hat] and made with organic cotton!" like it's pixie unicorn dust magic). People who bitch and moan that they're starving when all they've had is a motherfucking latte in the past 4 hours and now they need some motherfucking hummus and organic whole wheat crackers. The people who buy a bag saying "FEED THE CHILDREN OF THE WORLD" and fill it with food taken from those children's countries***. Not to mention that they're buying this shit while children starve right here in this country.

This isn't coming across nearly as angry as I feel it. I tried not to resort to unbroken streams of cursing and eleventies. Hmm...maybe /RANTFAIL.


*Wonder what kind of search terms that's going to get me. Here's a chaser for your mental image.
**What I mean here is the kind of hungry that you get when you don't have food and can't afford it and can smell someone else's tasty lunch and your stomach has absolutely nothing in it at all and is knotted up and chewing on itself. I mean the kind of hungry you get after weeks of watered-down food. I'd like to see one of these bougie bastards try to make it just 24h with no food at all, and no motherfucking replacement power shakes or other such bullshit. Maybe then they wouldn't have such stupid ideals for skinniness.
***Look at many tropical countries that grow commodity foods such as plantains, pomegranite, etc. to export to post-industrial countries that then have to import essential foods from industrial agriculture in those post-industrial countries. A good example of this may be El Salvador and the U.S..