03 March, 2009

Mad Scientist Etiquette

[There will be more Not-So-Mad Science {aka, Real Science} tomorrow!]

Naturally, since Mad Scientists have Laws, it follows that we will also have a semi-standardized guidebook for Mad Scientist Etiquette. This guidebook is not about rules or standards per se, it's more of an orientation pamphlet for aspiring Mad Scientists. I present some selections from the Etiquette Brassiere below. Suggestions are welcomed, but stupid questions will be shot (the questioners will just be chased about by robots specially built for that task). Composite-numbered items have been banned.

Tip #7:
A proper Mad Scientist never merely orchestrates the downfall or demise of their enemies. Instead, they compose a whole motherfucking* symphony with multiple thematic overtures and movements.

Tip #11:
A proper Mad Scientist laugh is indistinguishable from an Evil Genius guffaw to unpracticed ears, but the two are distinct to a practiced ear, although it is physically possible to produce both at the same time. Recordings of both can be provided to you upon request.

Tip #13:
Remember your assistant's birthday, especially if you have accidentally horrifically scarred or maimed him/her in the last year.

Tip #23:
It is both wise and polite to maintain a ready supply of spare parts for assistants and guests.

Tip #71:
Flip-flops are an excellent shoe for Mad Scientists in tropical climates because they can be used to swat mosquitoes, assistants, and malfunctioning machinery.

Tip #83:
Wipe your feet when coming inside from out.

Tip #97:
If you must pass gas, please do so away from Bunsen burners.



Hermitage said...

Damn, I keep forgetting tip #13. No wonder my annual attempts to take over the universe blow up in my face, *sigh*.

Science Bear said...

This was great! My assistant in evil plotting is my german shepherd, so do the rules still apply?

... there really needs to be a manual...