Story of Toaster: Self Experimentation #1

Looking back, even though I sometimes wanted to be an astronaut or an architect, it becomes apparent that I was fated to become a scientist. And it manifested rather early. For evidence of that, here is the story of Toaster's First Experiment.

Or, well, at least the first experiment that I clearly remember doing. There may have been others before that, but as I was a child prodigy at dropping heavy things onto my own head I don't remember them.

Exposition:
Young Toaster, aged ~5. Hot Southern summer*, I was left to play alone in the backyard. I was very good at this, busily digging holes, hoarding things in the shed, and collecting pillbugs. I had recently tried to dig a tunnel under our neighbors' yards (this failed).

Observation:
So I was casting around for something to do when I noticed that it was difficult to breathe in the very hot humid summer air (typically >40C + 70%+ humidity). I noted that air was coming out of my mouth and my nose, but not the other holes in my head.

Hypothesis:
Because the holes for my eyes are already filled up with my eyes, I logically cannot breathe through them. However, there is nothing filling up my ears, so I should be able to breathe through them.

Test 1:
I held my breath very tightly and even closed my eyes to make sure no air leaked out (just in case). I pinched my nose shut and tried to force air out my ears.

Result 1:
No air went through my ears.

Revision:
OK, it's not easy, but that doesn't mean it's not possible.

Revision Tool:
Piston-style air pump found in shed**!

Test 2:
I held my breath again like before. And I held the air pump to my right ear and tried to pump air in mechanically.

Result 2:
Young Toaster runs into the house trying to scream over the sudden painful ringing in his ears. A visit to the doctor revealed that I had managed to puncture my eardrum membrane when I didn't account for the pointy tip of the air pump moving toward my ear when I pushed down on the plunger. The tinnitus lasted for 2 weeks and thankfully my eardrum healed. Interestingly, my balance was off during the entire acute phase of the tinnitus. Incredibly (because walking was [and is still sometimes at any level of sobriety] a dangerous undertaking for me), I managed to not further injure myself, I think. Sometimes I still get transient tinnitus.

Conclusion:
Once cannot breathe through their ears, either unassisted or with mechanical help, no matter how much they may wish to.

**One of the few days where we weren't inside hiding from these.
*At this point you probably already knew how this was going to end: Badly.